wtf is this

So I started looking up stuff for our baby registry today, and I stumbled across this piece of cirque du soleil medieval torture seizure trigger. I can't tell if there are really six arches on it, or if they just move. It almost looks crazier because of the overstimulated hyperbaby in the seat, and makes me think that I would probably need to take a nap after just looking at it.

Buying baby crap is just ridiculous. I don't know why they need so much stuff. I know some of it really is superfluous (wipe warmers?), but I feel like I'll probably be viewed as a bad/lazy/cheap/uneducated parent if I don't buy or register for some of it. Regardless, I'm so overwhelmed by the choices, I can't make a decision anyway. On buybuybaby.com, there are over 300 strollers. THREE HUNDRED. How is any new parent supposed to make that kind of decision, especially while under the duress of becoming a new parent?!

Is it reversible? Because you know the baby doesn't develop object permanence until it's like, 2, and until then it'll freak out that you've disappeared everytime you push it away from you.

Is it neutrally-colored? You don't want society imposing gender stereotypes on such an impressionable mind.

Can you jog with it? 'Cuz your fat ass is going to need it since you're going to be pushing your baby instead of wearing it.

There are so many ways I can screw up this kid, and every decision I make regarding baby gear puts it one step either further from or closer to juvenile detention and the Maury Povich show. According to the dozens of pregnancy books I've read, I've already committed some acts of bad parenting, like sleeping with an electric blanket and drinking unfiltered tapwater. There's just too much to keep track of. That's why I wish there was like, a Trader Joe's of baby stuff. Just give me like, one or two versions of each thing I need. Make 'em safe, gender-neutral, and boring. Maybe all of us new Millenial parents wouldn't be so spazzy if we didn't have to make so many decisions that carried (in our own minds) such great weight. In fact, let's do the same thing for daycare, school, and pediatricians. Don't tell my in-laws I'm talkin' like a socialist.