I'm apparently popular with 15-year-old basement goblins

If you operate your own blog, you may or may not be familiar with Blogger's feature that tracks your page views and audience and whatnot. I suppose it's useful for people who actually make money from their blogs. I noticed this feature a few days ago, and explored it a little. I mostly expect just friends and family to read this blog, since it's super stupid and I only post it on facebook when I have a belly update. Anyway, I was interested to learn that this feature also tells you through what websites people are most commonly accessing your blog, aka Traffic Sources. Again, I expected facebook to be pretty much it. But no. I was wrong.



Who do I know from Russia?

Hmmmm. What are these interesting websites that seem to be giving people access to my blog?

PORN. They're PORN websites.

First of all, I don't know how these sites are linking to my blog. I assure you, I am no consumer of porn. And if I was, it would not be shitty back-alley budget porn that these sites offer. Second, which of you SICKOS is clicking through these sites to get to my very dignified and classy blog?! Apparently, I am getting views from people other than my friends and family, and it would be nice if you creepsters acknowledged yourselves. I would also like to know what is so misleading about the content and/or title of this page that would lead you to interrupt your porn viewing and click on the link to my blog. I hope you were not disappointed with my mundane tales of chickens and unborn babies. There's plenty more where that came from.

ECO-FAIL. MAJOR.

I like making my own cleaning supplies. It's cheap. Really that's it. But I tell people it's because it's more environmentally friendly. That part makes me feel superior. So I've been infusing white vinegar with kitchen leftovers before I compost them. It makes the vinegar smell waaaaaaaaay better. I started getting creative with my recipes. Lavender, lemon, and thyme. Grapefruit and basil. Lime and rosemary. Mostly combinations of citrus and herbs.

So one day, I said to myself, hey, let's get crazy. You know how cucumber cleaners smell really good? Let's make cucumber-basil infused vinegar.

NO! Stop right now and put down the cucumber. You know what that makes?! PICKLES.

Does it use pickles to clean, or does it clean pickles?

So crap, now I have a whole jar of pickle-scented cleaner, and nothing to do with it. I can't just throw it on the compost; it'll kill all the worms. So the dishwasher repair guy comes to fix the dishwasher (cuz it was broke), and he fixes it and tells me to run it again with some vinegar. This is something I do regularly anyway, but I was like, awesome. I'll use the pickle cleaner.

NO! Omigosh, just stop. You know what happens when you put the pickle cleaner in a steaming appliance? It makes pickle steam. Now my entire house smells like a Jimmy John's. I may be a hippie, but I was Polish first. Please. Learn from my mistakes.

they just get more disgusting

So yet again, the chickens have fooled me into thinking they're terminally ill, when really they're just doing normal disgusting chicken things.

A few days ago, I was feeding the ladies some strawberry tops (their most coveted delicacy), and I noticed some of the chickens looking a little scraggly around the neck. Namely, that a couple of them had started developing bald spots, and were looking less like healthy backyard chickens and more like free range stray scrappy chickens. Maybe they were going for street cred.

Anyway, I immediately suspected mites, as that causes their feathers to fall out, but the trusty backyard chicken forum set me straight yet again, and informed me that this is a normal molting process. Chickens apparently shed their feathers once a year cuz it's fun or something. Just so you know, this is what we have to look forward to:


nom nom



And apparently I am encouraged to make chicken capes, since their modesty must not be compromised. They are an honorable fowl, and would prefer to maintain some dignity during this very unfortunate transition.

I'm gunna barf

Tomorrow is my first show since April, and I'm opening for this band called The Civil Wars (well, not immediately, there are two bands between me and them). I hadn't the slightest notion (hear in your imagination a British accent) who they were, but apparently people know them, and like them. I'm not accustomed to playing with other popular musicians, so the thought that I may be judged by them and their fans kind of makes me sick to my stomach. However, the good news is that most people won't show up until after I'm off stage and passed out at the bar.