Tuesday, November 9, 2010

Flirting Failure

I'll admit, sometimes it's nice to be hit on, even though I'm married. It's a little ego boost (as it should also be for Mitch). But typically, if someone does decide to throw some cheesy pickup lines my way, it's after I get off stage, so at least we have something to talk about (e. g. how awesome I am). Last week, though, I was caught off-guard, and realized I'm lucky to already be married.

I was standing at the bakery counter at Whole Foods, two bottles of wine in my basket and ordering pieces of cake. To paint a better picture, I hadn't showered in two days, and I had a crusty leftover herp sore on my lip (don't judge me). My situation should have screamed, "I'M GOING HOME TO SIT ON MY FAT ASS AND WATCH THE L WORD!" Nonetheless, this guy growled over my shoulder "so what are you buying me?" "Psssshhhh, NOTHing," I scoffed. He started making redemptive small talk. I pretended to dig through my purse, too embarrassed to look at him. I dropped a receipt but unfortunately I stomped my foot on top of it too late to stop him from being gentlemanly, and of course he picked it up for me. I mumbled a thanks, and then he kind of ran away Napoleon Dynamite style. The entire exchange was so awkward, even the bakery employee looked a little ashamed to be present for the whole thing.

But really, let's be honest here, it was all my fault. Sure, this guy was a goober. Who hits on scrubby looking girls at a grocery store on Friday night? But I'm so tactless that I couldn't even throw him a bone. Of course, I relayed the whole thing to Mitch, and he shoots out witty, gentle responses right away.

"So what are you buying me?"

*coy laughter* "Love handles."

*gesturing to the bottles of wine* "A hangover."

"A consolation prize."

Then it occurred to me that perhaps I was not the one casting the line when Mitch and I met.