I awake at 7:00 am after hitting the snooze button on the alarm clock I stole from a drag queen, put the shock collars on my dogs so they don't tear each others' carotid arteries out, and watch them shit on my porch; my little Princess Maybe doesn't dare get her freshly pedicured paws wet on the morning dew. I chuckle and think to myself, I sure hope Buster eats that poop off the porch so I don't have to pick it up later. I make my coffee in a 12-year-old coffee maker from Craigslist and toast in the toaster I took from my dead grandfather's house, and dash upstairs in my 3 bedroom, 1 bath tudor-style A frame abode. I brush my teeth and cover myself in baby powder, hoping my coworkers won't be able to tell that I haven't had time to shower in three days. LOL...boy, have I pulled the wool over their eyes.
This morning my car starts, which is just fabulous because I would love to get to work on time. My darling husband weaves in and out of traffic and narrowly misses the hobo who stumbles into the street after tripping over a pile of garbage. We politely wave to the republican protesting in front of the women's clinic, averting our eyes away from the pictures of aborted feti. After all, I still want to be able to enjoy my toast and strawberry jam!!!
Once at my desk, I rifle through e-mails, check messages, and get to work. I rush to the Teen Health Clinic to meet a 15-year-old study participant who is going there to get pregnancy test. Such anticipation; I can hardly wait to find out the results! Then I meet my boss to go downtown and read child abuse records for two hours. There just isn't enough time in the day sometimes! I get back to my office, and spend the rest of the day doing menial preparation tasks for an upcoming business trip to DC until my loving husband picks me up from work.
Tonight, I decided that I have trained too hard for the half-marathon the last couple of days, and since I can't bend my knees at a full 90 degree angle, I'll skip yoga practice. I didn't feel like queefing in front of a bunch of people tonight anyway. Mitchy-poo and I go out for dinner, since we have just been itching for a free evening to use our Groupon at Cactus Pear. We get loaded on a bunch of margaritas, and realize we don't have enough money left over for the actual dinner part of the evening. So we call my mom and have her come drive our drunk asses home, since we didn't have the foresight to assign a DD. I know, crazy right?! We spend the rest of the evening snuggled up in front of our space heater watching Monk, and then crawl into bed about 11:00. Fortunately, I remembered to take my Lexapro and Zoloft tonight, so I'll be able to get up and do it all over again tomorrow!
Kate's time-saving tips:
- Poop and brush your teeth at the same time. You can spit between your legs, unless your sink is crammed up against your toilet like mine is.
- Make sure you're too broke to buy a TV; what a time-waster!
- Don't work two jobs if you can avoid it.
- Make your husband cook his own damn dinner.
- Having a roof over my head.
- Having food in my belly.
- Having a husband who doesn't hit me.
- Having higher education.
- Having shoes.